


He's a Monster and I'm My Own Worst Enemy

by setaxis



Series: we all feel a bit like monsters sometimes [1]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon, Denial, M/M, Possessive Behavior
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-30
Updated: 2015-05-30
Packaged: 2018-04-01 23:32:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4038811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/setaxis/pseuds/setaxis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Canon. Jinyoung is jealous of Jaebum and sets out to get his revenge even though Jaebum isn't his to be jealous over, a fact which is completely and entirely Jinyoung's own fault.</p><p>Or: Jaebum is possessive, Jinyoung is possessive and in denial, and both of them are as stubborn as each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Warnings:** Bi-erasure (sort of) and some physical manhandling (getting dragged etc)
> 
> This was written for the def_pepi exchange on lj and I had a lot of fun writing it. It's my first story for got7, but I hope to write more for this fandom in future!

 

 

They had only popped into the company building to let Jinyoung get some stuff signed before heading out again. It’s the end of their well-deserved day off and if Jingyoung had had his way they wouldn’t have been coming in until tomorrow when they were actually supposed to be working. However, Jaebum had guilt-tripped him into doing it today with his infuriating ‘concerned leader’ routine (like Jinyoung isn’t usually as reliable as Jaebum if not more so) so here they both are. Luckily Jaebum had found their Min sitting around waiting to talk to one of the managers to occupy him while Jinyoung got his stuff sorted.

They’re still there when Jinyoung gets out of the office, sitting close and chatting like they are old friends. Jaebum looks so comfortable talking to Min it makes Jinyoung's skin crawl. He knows he probably looks like he's chewing on something bitter with the way Min keeps glancing over, concerned, but fuck it. He’s allowed not to be a ray of sunshine all the time. A few minutes later Jaebum flashes him a look and then he hears-

“Don't worry about him, noona. He's probably just in one of his moods again." Jaebum does that smile where his eyes disappear and he looks like a dork. "I'm looking after him well, I promise."

Jinyoung's teeth grind in annoyance. Jaebum is not supposed to be smooth. Jaebum is supposed to be dorky and sweet and kinda dumb. Jaebum should not be good at talking to girls. Most importantly Jaebum should not be badmouthing him to make himself look better to those girls.

“I’m done.” He says flatly.

“Cool.” Jaebum stands up. “It was nice talking to you noona. See you around!”

“Yeah, it was. We should do it again sometime.” Min smiles at Jaebum. Jinyoung wants to rip her hair out with his teeth.

“Sure! Send me a message!” Jaebum calls, walking backwards behind Jinyoung.

Jinyoung doesn’t wait to hear Min’s answer. He storms out of the building and into the car, angrily pulling his seatbelt into place. He can tell his manager is looking at him in the rearview mirror as if he’s crazy but he doesn’t care. Jaebum is an arsehole.

"Hey, what's up?" Jaebum asks as he hops in the back of the car. He’s five minutes later than Jinyoung was. Jinyoung knows it can’t have taken him that long to walk down the stairs after Jinyoung.

"I don't know, I think I'm just in one of ‘my moods' again." Jinyoung fires back.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Jaebum rolls his eyes.

“What way did you mean it then? That I’m difficult? That I’m too much to deal with?” Jinyoung crosses his arms and stares defiantly ahead. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Jaebum shake his head.

“Stop twisting everything I say and listen to me – I just didn’t want her to worry about us, okay?”

Jinyoung snorts.

“So me being, and I quote, ‘in a mood’ isn’t something to worry about because I get them so regularly they can’t be about anything important. Jinyoung couldn’t possibly have something actually bothering him, oh no. He’s just a moody bitch.”

He can tell Jaebum’s temper is rising because his fists are clenched and his eyes are growing hard and he’s expecting him to explode. Then suddenly, unexpectedly, it’s all gone.

“Is something bothering you, Jinyoungie? You can tell me, you know.” He must read something on Jinyoung’s face because immediately he follows up with, “or you can talk to Mark-hyung or whatever.”

“There’s nothing.” Jinyoung forces a smile he knows doesn’t fool Jaebum in the slightest and turns over in his seat. “I’m going to sleep now. Wake me up when we get there.”

“Okay.” Jaebum says but he doesn’t settle back into his seat to sleep like Jinyoung does. Instead Jinyoung can feel the weight of his gaze on his back, heavy and oppressive.

They don’t speak the whole car journey home. Jinyoung doesn’t sleep, just lies there pretending to doze and ignoring the little voice in his head that tells him he overreacted. He isn’t jealous. He isn’t.

Xxx

Jinyoung needs a plan of revenge. It’s kind of petty and he knows it but he just wants Jaebum to share his pain. It isn’t fair that he has to deal with feeling like this all alone and Jaebum gets to swan around, oblivious.

He’s got Mark draped over him at one of their fansigns when the idea strikes him. He’s used to playing up his skinship with Mark – it’s fun to make the fangirls scream – but this time he looks up and sees Jaebum staring at them with an inscrutable look on his face. Jinyoung’s breath catches. It’s intense, so intense that time seems to stop and it's him and Jaebum that exist in this tiny infinity -

Until Jackson bounds in, jumps on Jaebum and breaks them both out of the daze they’d been in.

He doesn’t have time to analyse that look then. He’s quickly swept up in the rest of the fan sign – playing with the other members, doing aegyo and generally horsing around – but later, when he’s lying in his bed, he recalls that look. It’s burning hot, but not angry.

_Was Jaebum **jealous**? Of what? Of **Mark?**_

It’s true he and Jaebum have never had the kind of skinship he shares with Mark (or Jaebum with Jackson, he reminds himself sourly) but Jinyoung had always though that’s because that’s the way Jaebum had wanted it.

Had he been wrong?

It doesn’t matter. He needs to focus on his plan, not on hypothetical 'maybe's. The whole thing has him thinking – if that’s how Jaebum reacts if he has _Mark_ all over him, a guy who has absolutely no designs on Jinyoung at all, how would he react if it were someone who were actually interested in Jinyoung?

What if Jinyoung could somehow organise it so that Jaebum could witness Jinyoung flirting? It would have to be a man – he’d come out to Jaebum several years earlier there’s no way he’d buy Jinyoung flirting with a woman – which will be difficult to find. Anyone they both know would never work. So a stranger, then.

But where would Jinyoung find a stranger he can drape all over him – where Jaebum can see – who will still be discreet enough that the news won’t get out?

Jinyoung clicks his fingers. _Of course!_ Before Jinyoung debuted in got7 and his life was taken up essentially being mother to six oversized children there was a _very_ discreet club catering to men of his… _persuasion_ that he used to like to frequent. He grins to himself. _It’s perfect._

Xxx

He sets his plan in motion as soon as they are told they’ll have a free day. He corners Jaebum on the couch and pulls out his most fearsome weapon – his aegyo. He’s half sure Jaebum will agree just to get him to stop.

"C'moooon," he whines, batting his eyelashes and sticking out his bottom lip. "Come to the club with me! It'll be fun, I promise."

Jaebum looks torn. He knows the club Jinyoung means, Jinyoung has mentioned it to him, but he’s never asked Jaebum to join him before now. Jinyoung can see the wheels turning in his head, can practically hear the cogs whirring. He gives his most winning smile.

"Okay." Jaebum says. He still looks as if he wants to say no, but as far as Jinyoung is concerned this is the best result because Jaebum rarely goes back on his word.

"Really?" His smile has got big and he can tell the crinkles round his eyes have appeared because Jaebum is looking at his eyes and trying not to smile himself.

"This is a bad idea."

"I don't have bad ideas." Jinyoung sniffs. "You must be confusing me with someone else."

Jaebum grows serious at that, the smile previously threatening to break transformed into a frown. He looks like he's going to say something but in the end he just hums and Jinyoung isn't sure whether it's in agreement or to stop him from having to speak.

"So this Saturday then?" He tries jovially.

"Yeah."

"Great!" It comes out too happy, kinda forced and Jinyoung almost winces. Wasn't he supposed to be the actor here? He tries a smile. "I'm gonna go find Mark, ask him to babysit."

Jaebum doesn't laugh at that like he usually would and Jinyoung leaves feeling like he's missed a whole chunk of the conversation.

Xxx

Saturday feels like it takes forever to arrive and then once it does it goes too quickly. Jinyoung is an excited mess all day, so hyper and distracted that Mark asks him jokingly if he’s been possessed by Jackson’s spirit. (Jackson doesn’t find that very funny.)

He tries on three outfits before he has the right one. It’s dressed up enough for the club but understated enough that he doesn’t look like he’s asking to be groped (he has an outfit for that occasion too but tonight he doesn’t want to come on too strong). No, tonight Jinyoung has decided on a reasonably tight pair of jeans and his favourite shirt, rolled up at the sleeves and open at the throat. A spritz of the cologne Jaebum bought him for Christmas, a quick slather of bb cream and Jinyoung is ready to go.

Jaebum, too, has dressed up. He’s gelled his hair up and away from his face in the way Jinyoung likes because it shows off his cheekbones. He’s wearing eyeliner too – he must have asked Bambam to do it because Jinyoung knows Jaebum can’t do it himself – and he looks almost sinfully good.

Jinyoung’s eyes flicker to Jaebum’s thighs. Oh yes, he looks good. Maybe he should suggest to their stylists that Jaebum should wear skin-tight jeans more often.

“Hey!” He waves dumbly, even though they’re three feet away from each other.

“Hey.” Jaebum replies, almost shyly. He looks nervous, which Jinyoung doesn’t understand. It’s just two friends going to a club together. Admittedly it’s a gay club. _Oh,_ he thinks to himself, _maybe that’s what the problem is._ Jinyoung had assured him it would be fun but maybe Jaebum is having second thoughts about being the only straight guy in a sea of gays.

Jinyoung smiles at Jaebum, trying to look reassuring. “Shall we go?”

Jaebum nods tersely. As they are walking out the door Jackson calls out “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” and Jinyoung rolls his eyes.

“Is there anything he wouldn’t do?” He asks almost rhetorically.

Jaebum laughs. Jinyoung hadn’t really meant for him to hear but he can’t bring himself to regret it, not when Jaebum seems more relaxed after his little slip of the tongue. They grin at each other and Jinyoung almost feels bad for what he’s about to do.

xxx

As soon as they arrive at the club Jinyoung puts his plan into motion. He doesn’t ignore Jaebum outright. They go to the bar to get a drink and it’s nice – they laugh and joke about some of the not-so-skilled dancers on the floor. They talk about everything and nothing – Bambam’s crush on one of their stylists and Youngjae’s recent obsession with Bruno Mars – but Jinyoung never forgets his prime objective, no matter how much this feels like a date.

“I’m going to the bathroom.” He says, nodding in the direction of the bathrooms. It’s not a lie – he really does need a piss. However, he’s not planning on coming straight back.

It’s genius really – if he’d said he was going to dance Jaebum would have insisted on coming with him but this way he can just act like he was waylaid on the way back.

And waylaid he is. He’s not halfway through the dance floor before there’s a guy smiling at him and asking him to dance. Jinyoung returns the smile flirtatiously, eyes coy and full of promises he’s not going to fulfil. He drags the guy through the crowd until he’s got Jaebum in his sights. When Jaebum turns round, he’ll see Jinyoung. All he has to do now is wait.

Smirking, he wraps the stranger’s arms round his waist and draws him in behind him until they’re pressed together completely. He’s taller than Jinyoung and Jaebum both and for a second Jinyoung is disappointed. Then he’s lost in the music, the baseline thrumming through him more important than thinking about his plan for the moment. Jaebum will notice him eventually. All that’s left to do is to enjoy himself.

And he is enjoying himself, but not for the reasons the guy behind him probably thinks. There’s hot breath on the back on the back of his neck and warmth running down is back and ghosting up his sides where the guy’s hands are running up and down but it’s not the heat Jinyoung’s interested in. He glances over once in a while to the bar because he can feel Jaebum’s heated stare. He can feel the white hot spike of his jealousy all the way from here even without looking, but when he catches a glimpse of Jaebum’s eyes – god it makes him shiver. A wave of want runs through him every time he sees them blazing on the other side of the dance floor.

_Come and get me._

He thinks to himself, willing Jaebum to do something, anything.

Jaebum slams his drink down on the bar and jumps off his stool. At first Jinyoung is worried he’s going to leave, rendering his whole plan a waste of time, but then he sees him weave his way through the crowd. He moves with a single-minded purpose, eyes never once leaving Jinyoung until he’s right there in front of them looming tall and angry and beautiful like an avenging angel.

"May I cut in?" Jaebum sounds pissed. There's a veneer of politeness thrown over it that might be enough to fool Jinyoung's dance partner but he knows better. That's pure ice in Jaebum's voice. It makes Jinyoung want to purr.

He doesn’t say anything. He meets Jaebum’s eyes with a look that is equal parts goading and defiant as he leans his head back to rest on the guy behind him’s shoulder.

“You his bodyguard or something?” The guy says. “Because he looks more than happy staying here with me.”

“Or something.” Jaebum grits out. “Come on Jinyoung, we’re going.”

Jinyoung looks up at Jaebum through his lashes. He takes great pleasure in watching the muscle in Jaebum’s jaw jump.

"Why? I’m having fun."

"Yeah, well. You're the only one. Let's go."

Jaebum grabs him and drags him out the club by his wrist.

"The hell Jaebum, get your fuckin' hands off me!" Jinyoung struggles in Jaebum’s grip. It’s vice tight and he can’t break free. It hurts. They are outside in the alleyway out the back of the club before Jinyoung manages to wrench his arm free of Jaebum’s hold.

"I'm calling a cab." Jaebum tells him.

"Well you can do that, _Jaebum-sshi,_ but I ain't gettin' in it." He’s slipped into dialect without meaning to, but by god he’s pissed. The guy at the club was right – Jaebum isn’t his boyfriend and he has _no right_ to order him around.

Jaebum mutters something under his breath about knowing this was a bad idea and Jinyoung sees red.

"Fuck you!" He shouts. "You ain't my keeper and if it is a bad idea it's mine to make, so I'm goin' back in to find people who appreciate me fuck you very much."

" _Appreciate you?_ Jesus fucking Christ are you playing with me right now?" Jaebum is practically vibrating with rage, hands fisted at his sides and every muscle in his body taut with anger. This wasn't what Jinyoung wanted.

"Why did you invite me asking tonight, Jinyoung? Because it sure as hell didn't like you needed me there." Jaebum snaps.

"I wanted t' go with you." Jinyoung says in a small voice.

Jaebum snorts. "Yeah, I'm sure. That's why you ignored me the whole night."

"I did-" He protests.

"Was this just some kind of elaborate test? 'Take Jaebum to a gay bar, see if he's disgusted by the idea of two guys together, see if he's lying'?" Jaebum's voice cracks. "For the love of God, I told you I loved you."

"You're straight." Jinyoung whispers. "You like women."

Jaebum looks like he’s about to tear his hair out in frustration. "How many times do I have to say it? _I'm not fucking straight!_ I like women and I like men and I'm in love with _you!_ "

"Stop saying that." Jinyoung begs. Even looking Jaebum in the eyes hurts, anger and bitterness and honesty all shining so brightly as if to blind Jinyoung.

"I'll say it until you take me seriously."

They stand there in the road like it's a Mexican standoff and their only weapons are their words and their stubbornness. Jaebum’s jaw is so tightly clenched Jinyoung can see the muscle twitching under the skin. He knows Jaebum is beyond pissed now, knows that this is beyond the usual realms of Jaebum’s anger – the kind that boils permanently near the surface – that this has devolved into something deep and raw and unfettered. Jinyoung knows because he knows _Jaebum_.

Then, like a flash, the anger is gone and all that stands before him is a weary man with eyes too old for his face.

"Let's not do this right now." Jaebum mutters. “I’m going home.”

The ‘are you coming with me?’ hangs in the air between them. Jinyoung doesn’t even risk a glance back at the club for fear that Jaebum would leave without him.

Jaebum flags down a cab. He doesn’t even look behind him to see whether Jinyoung is following him as he climbs into it and Jinyoung is forced to scurry in behind him to avoid the door being closed on him.

The cab journey is taken in silence. The argument has gone a long way to sobering Jinyoung up and he wishes he could find something to say because he hates silence, but the words won't come. When they get in Jaebum slips past him and drags his blanket out to the couch.

"Jaebum?" Jinyoung tries tentatively.

"Since I knew we would be back late I asked Youngjae to sleep in your room. I'll take the couch."

"No, I'll-"

"Jinyoung, please." Jaebum sounds pained.

"Okay." He whispers. "Good night."

He waits a couple of beats, hoping for a reply, but he gets none. He doesn’t bother to wash the makeup off his face or brush his teeth, just falls into Jaebum and Youngjae’s bed and curls himself up in the blankets. With a start he realises that Jaebum must have taken Youngjae’s because he is surrounded by _Jaebum_ \- the cologne Jinyoung got him for his birthday one year and Jaebum never stopped wearing and the smell of their detergent and the smell of just _Jaebum_ surrounds him as if he were wrapped up in Jaebum’s arms. It’s comforting, even though they fought, and despite himself Jinyoung drifts quickly into the deepest and best night’s sleep he’s had in a very long time.

Xxx

The next morning finds Jinyoung stumbling into the kitchen wishing he hadn’t drunk as much as he had and praying that the contents of his stomach stay where they are. Unfortunately for him, Mark is already awake and has placed himself firmly between Jinyoung and the coffee. Jinyoung curses internally.

"You're a dick." Mark tells him succinctly.

Jinyoung gasps. "Mark! Who's been teaching you those kind of words?"

"Yugyeom. Stop dodging." Mark replies easily.

Jinyoung sighs. So much for getting out of this conversation.

"I know."

Mark hands him a cup of coffee which Jinyoung gratefully gulps down. Mark watches him critically.

"He was really looking forward to it, you know? Going out with you." At Jinyoung's look of surprise he expands, "Jackson told me."

"Jackson." Jinyoung raises an eyebrow. Jinyoung does not believe Jackson Wang a reliable source of information.

"Yeah, they talk a lot about this kind of stuff. Jackson…" Mark trails off.

"Jackson?"

"He’s very open minded." Mark says finally. Jinyoung hears the words Mark doesn’t say – that somehow Jackson would have to be open minded because there’s something about Jaebum he should be open minded about.

"Jaebum's straight though." He says without thinking. Mark tuts.

"Did he tell you that? Because I think he knows his own sexuality, Jinyoung." Horror dawns on Mark's face. "Oh god, you didn't."

"What?"

"Jinyoung, tell me you didn't tell him he was straight."

Jinyoung squirms under Mark’s judging gaze.

"Wow, you are an actual arsehole."

"Mark-"

"You know I was planning on keeping Jackson off your back but you need a talking to and I haven't got the words to do it." He turns back just as he reaches the door to the living room. "Having someone tell you that you can't be what you know you are is the shittiest feeling ever by the way, so I hope you're proud of yourself."

Jinyoung watches him go, shocked to the core. Mark has never spoken to anyone like that, let alone Jinyoung, and it makes him feel even shittier that he did already – hungover, guilty about how he treated Jaebum and now this. He can’t deal with life today, he decides. He drags himself back to his room and curls up on his bed feeling tired and drained.

_Fuck this,_ he thinks to himself. _Just fuck this._

Xxx

Later that day Mark sneaks into Jinyoung’s room and wraps round him as if he had never been angry in the first place.

“I’m sorry.” He says, arm snaking round Jinyoung’s chest. “I wasn’t really going to sic Jackson on you.”

“Don’t have to be sorry.” Jinyoung grunts. “I was an arsehole.”

He turns over in the bed so that they are lying face to face, Mark’s arms still locked around his waist. He looks nervous about something.

“Jinyoungie, can I tell you something?” Mark’s voice shakes.

“Of course.” Jinyoung replies immediately.

“I’m asexual.”

Jinyoung stares at him blankly. He’s never heard the term before. For a second he wonders whether it’s an English word and that’s why he doesn’t understand.

“It means I don’t want to have sex, not with anyone.” Mark clarifies.

Mark looks worried. His handsome face is all screwed up and Jinyoung wants to smooth out the wrinkles with his fingers.

“Please don’t tell me I just haven’t found the right person yet, _please_.” Mark begs.

Jinyoung shakes his head. “I wasn’t going to. I just- You and Jackson? You’re so _flirty_ I thought something was going on there.”

“I like flirting, so does Jackson.” Mark says nonchalantly.

“That’s it?” Jinyoung teases. Mark rolls his eyes.

“I’m sorry, not all of us have love lives that read like something off a bad soap opera script.”

Jinyoung lets out a loud, overdramatic gasp. “Were you alluding to the literary masterpiece _’Dream High 2’_ perchance, because if so I must be offended.”

“I would never willingly bring that up, and if you had half a brain you wouldn’t either.” Mark deadpans, but he looks a lot more comfortable than he did so Jinyoung counts that as a win. He doesn’t mind bring up his dark and sordid acting past if it makes Mark feel better. He grins.

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“You’re only saying that because it wasn’t half as embarrassing for you as it was for Jaebum.”

Jinyoung’s eyes sparkle with mischief. “Maybe. Now c’mon, spill.”

“There’s nothing to spill and we’re talking about you, not me.” Mark is completely undeterred by Jinyoung’s (rather skilful, even if he does say so himself) attempt at changing the subject.

“Meanie.” Jinyoung pouts.

Mark doesn’t laugh like Jinyoung expects him to. Instead he regards Jinyoung with an intensity that’s quite uncomfortable, as if he’s trying to bore his way into Jinyoung’s brain with his eyes.

“I don’t get it, Jinyoung. It’s okay that I’m asexual and you’re so gay I’m surprised the closet hasn’t spat you out yet, but somehow Jaebum can’t be bi?”

Jinyoung doesn’t know what to say. He fumbles for the right words to explain himself, because he’s never had to before.

“It’s not that he can’t be I just… I spent so long telling myself he was straight, that he was off-limits-”

“Jinyoung.” Mark says, and it sounds like _stop bullshitting me_. Jinyoung shakes his head. He’s not making excuses.

“We were a _duo_ hyung – we spent every waking hour together and I needed something to keep me in check, something to keep me from doing something stupid-”

“Like allowing yourself to be with a man you love and who loves you back?” Mark cuts in gently.

“Not everyone is accepting as you are.”

“So instead, what? You rile him up knowing he’s jealous but don’t allow yourself to accept the reason _why_ he’s jealous? That’s not really fair, Jinyoung.” Mark chides.

“I know.”

“Not to Jaebum and not to _you_.”

“I _know_.” Jinyoung repeats frustrated.

“If you know then why do you keep carrying on pretending that you don’t?”

“I don’t know.” Jinyoung presses his face into Mark’s chest. “I’m scared, I guess.”

“Oh Jinyoung.” Mark pats Jinyoung’s head as he sniffles pathetically. He feels so small and stupid but he is hungover and tired, so so tired of everything.

“I know you probably won’t listen to me, but I think you should talk to him. Anything is better than feeling like this, right?”

Jinyoung doesn’t know. He isn’t sure of anything anymore except that he has a headache and feels like shit and this conversation is too much for him to take in his delicate state.

“Can we please not talk about this anymore?” He mumbles, burrowing further into Mark’s embrace.

“Okay.” Mark says. Jinyoung doubts that means Mark’s given up but he’ll take it for now. He’s comfortable and Mark is warm and quiet and that makes it nap time. He drifts off with the words _talk to him_ ringing in his ears.

Xxx

Neither Jaebum nor Jinyoung are very good with words. Or rather, neither of them are good at saying what they really mean. Jinyoung is very good at twisting words around him like the flow of a stream bends around a great rock that lies in its path. He can take anything and twist it until even he almost believes it’s true. The truth of what he really feels, really thinks is lost behind all the farce, all the façade.

Jaebum on the other hand straight up says things he doesn’t mean, blinded by anger. He lashes out without thinking, only aiming to hurt, to make his opponent – his _enemy_ \- feel all the pain he’s feeling in that moment. It doesn’t necessarily mean that what he says is what he really thinks. Sometimes it is, and that’s worse.

So will talking about their problems ever really come to anything? They’ve been together long enough to know how the other functions by now, know how this will play out. It’ll start out a discussion and end up with Jaebum lashing out and Jinyoung retreating into himself; then Jaebum will regret and reach out and Jinyoung will push him away. A never ending cycle of push and pull. Waves on a shore.

Or at least, that’s the excuse Jinyoung gives himself for not following Mark’s advice. Him and Jaebum, they’ve always managed to co-exist well enough without words. He thinks back to the days of JJ project when they’d spent whole evenings reading side by side or making figures together. They hadn’t needed words to enjoy each other’s company. They hadn’t felt the need to fill the silence between them with noise. They were fine.

They are fine now too. Maybe not perfect, but Jinyoung has never really believed in perfection anyway. They are okay. They’ll be okay.

Mark clearly expects something to have changed after Jinyoung and Jaebum’s disastrous excursion to the club but nothing really does. He keeps watching them with this look like he’s expecting them to break down at any point, eyes focussed and keen to catch any cracks in their seeming façade. Perhaps Jinyoung is quieter than usual or Jaebum touches him even less, but there’s no dramatic climax – they don’t ignore each other, they don’t fight. They just carry on, as they always have.

Xxx

Jinyoung rooms alone for a reason. Even though he gets annoyed if any other the others bring it up he knows that he is of a somewhat… sensitive nature. Mark is quiet and Jaebum can be angry, but he is the only one who truly needs his own space – a refuge from having to be _on_ all the time. Jinyoung is mother and idol and friend all day long. He needs that break. The time to just be Jinyoung and assimilate all the things he’s been holding in. He’s glad that when they were choosing rooms Jaebum, who should have got the single room by rights of being the leader, was kind enough to tell Jinyoung to take it.

No one, except Mark and Jaebum, enters Jinyoung’s room without knocking. He can often hear people come up to it – it’s only a glorified shutter between his space and Yugyeom and Bambam’s room after all – but everybody knocks anyway. Jinyoung never asked them to do it, but he likes it.

There’s a knock at the door this evening. Honestly all he wants to do is ignore it and go to sleep but the knocking is persistent – so much so that he hears Bambam tell him to “hurry up and let him in, hyung – we want to sleep tonight!”

Rude. Jinyoung would like to do the same, thank you very much.

“Come in!” He yells, just loud enough for Bambam and Yugyeom to hear too.

The door slides open. Jinyoung doesn’t bother to look who it is – the only person he could think that would bother him this time of night, if not one of the maknae line, is Youngjae – so he simply rolls over and opens his arms in prime cuddling position.

Except the body that slides in beside him is definitely not Youngjae. It’s about the right height but too firm, too bulky. Too brazen, too. The arms immediately wrap round Jinyoung’s torso and there’s a leg between Jinyoung’s and Youngjae usually waits for Jinyoung to embrace him first so this could only be –

“Jackson?” Jinyoung all but squeaks.

“Hi!” The lump in his bed replies. “You really are a good cuddler, Jinyoung, Youngjae was right.”

What. The. Hell.

“Jackson, what are you doing?” Jingyoung snarls.

“Not enjoying this cuddle half as much as before.”

Jinyoung can actually hear the pout.

“I mean here, in my bed.”

“ _You_ invited me.” Jackson says petulantly.

Jinyoung likes Jackson, he really does. Most of the time anyway.

“Jackson, please. I’m really not in the mood.”

“I wanted to talk about Jaebum.” Jackson says.

Jinyoung grows quiet. He should have known this would be too good to last.

“What about him?”

“Don’t do this, Jinyoung.” Jackson squeezes him hard. Jinyoung practically hears his ribs creaking. “Don’t shut me out. Don’t shut _him_ out.”

Jinyoung feels rage burn in his veins. He struggles against Jackson’s hold, tries to push him away but all the hours Jackson’s put in at the gym mean he barely makes a dent. It only serves to make him angrier.

“What the hell do you know? Get the fuck off me!”

“Listen to me, please. Just listen.” Jackson pleads. “You can do whatever you like after this but just… hear me out, yeah?”

Jinyoung says nothing, but he stops trying to push Jackson off him. Jackson takes that as acquiescence.

“Jaebum-hyung… He’s miserable. And whatever you say, I know you are too. We may not be as close as you and Mark but I’m not dumb, you know? I’ve got eyes.” Here Jinyoung snorts softly as if to say, you are dumb. Jackson ignores him. “I just… I’ve tried talking to Jaebum and that’s come to nothing. So now it’s time to try you, even if you’re both as stubborn and annoying as each other.”

Jinyoung is reeling. He hadn’t thought he was so obvious. He’s been denying and hiding his feelings for so long he thought that he’d perfected his mask. Clearly he was wrong.

“I hate it, Jinyoung. I hate seeing both of you like this.” Jackson confesses quietly.

“I don’t-”

“Will you talk to him?” Jackson cuts him off before Jinyoung even has time to finish his sentence.

“We’re fine.” Jinyoung replies stubbornly.

“You know, that’s exactly what he said.” Jackson smiles. “You’re a better liar than he is though.”

“I don’t lie.”

“See, there you go again.” Jackson grins cheekily. "Liar, liar, pants on fire~" he singsongs.

"Did you just come in here to mock me? Because if that's the case, you can leave right now."

Jinyoung carefully extracts himself from Jackson and holds his cover up in a gesture universally acknowledged as "get the fuck out of my bed" and he does so as snottily and disdainfully as possible. The day he takes relationship advice from Jackson Wang is the day hell freezes over.

Jackson, being Jackson, completely ignores Jinyoung's attitude and moves away like getting out of Jinyoung's bed was his idea in the first place.

"Thanks for the cuddle Jinyoungie. Think about what I said, okay?" He says seriously.

Then Jackson's slipping out of Jinyoung’s bed and through the sliding door with barely a sound and Jinyoung’s left alone.

He turns over and wraps the blankets around him like a cocoon. He huffs quietly, still annoyed.

_Why is everyone so insistent that he talk to Jaebum anyway?_

xxx

If Jackson is expecting Jinyoung to confront Jaebum he’s to be sorely disappointed. He thinks about it once or twice, but in the end he decides against it. He isn’t happy, no, but he isn’t miserable like Jackson thinks either.

He’s fine. Everything is fine. He just has to keep telling himself that.

Xxx

Two weeks later he and Jaebum are home alone. It’s a rare occurrence now that there are seven, not just the two of them, but not an unwelcome one. It’s nostalgic. Jinyoung lounges over one corner of the sofa while Jaebum occupies the other end with a tattered copy of Harry Potter in hand. Jaebum’s wearing his glasses. It’s making it very hard for Jinyoung to actually concentrate on his book.

"You know when we first met I thought you were the cutest boy I'd ever seen? I couldn't believe it when you asked to pair up for the audition." Jaebum says out of the blue.

“What?” Jinyoung almost chokes on his own saliva. Jaebum sets his book aside and turns to face Jinyoung, expression unbearably open and earnest.

“You were so nervous and all I could think the whole time was how cute you were.”

“What are you saying?” Jinyoung nudges Jaebum’s side with his foot, embarrassed.

Jaebum grins. “Don’t worry, you’re still cute.”

Jinyoung’s heart beats erratically in his chest. He doesn’t like this. He’s not ready for this – he’ll never be ready for this.

“You’re scaring me, dude. You been hanging out with Jackson too much? His greasy is starting to rub off on you.” He laughs awkwardly at his own joke, but it falls flat and his laughter tastes sour in his mouth.

He doesn’t want to be here – in fact he’d probably take anywhere but here. He’d rather go with Mark and attempt to keep Jackson and BamBam in line and Youngjae from wandering off and Yugyeom from tricking everyone one than sit here in the quiet of their flat and listen to the man he’s in love with bear his soul to him.

“I didn’t even think about that could mean – me being completely unable to take my eyes off you that is – ‘til you told me you were gay and that you had a boyfriend.” Jaebum’s smile doesn’t falter but his expression grows somehow sad. “I was so jealous and I didn’t even get why.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Jinyoung demands.

“You didn’t believe me the first time I told you I loved you. You didn’t even believe me the second time. I’m hoping third times the charm.” Jaebum shrugs helplessly. Jinyoung's throat closes up.

“I don’t-”

“Just let me finish, okay?" Jaebum pleads.

Jinyoung wants to tell him no. He wants to say that whatever Jaebum has to say he doesn’t want to hear it but he says nothing. He's a coward.

"I don't know when I fell in love with you." Jaebum says.

_I know when I fell in love with **you**_ Jinyoung thinks. _The very first time we met and I was done for just like that._

"But I first realised it just after they told us JJ project wasn't coming back. Do you remember?"

How could Jinyoung forget? It was one of the most difficult days of Jinyoung's life and one of the most painful. He nods after it becomes clear Jaebum is waiting for some kind of response.

"We cried together for the first time I think. We clung together like we were going to fall apart if we didn't and cried until our tears ran out. You're beautiful even when you cry, Jinyoungie. I realised then, watching you, that I would do anything to see you happy. And that's when I knew I was in love with you."

Jinyoung listens to all of this in silence. He doesn't know what Jaebum expects him to say. Should he come out with his own tale of how he discovered his feelings for Jaebum? How at the tender age of 15 he knew he was never going to have what other people would have - children, a traditional family? That he would be forced to hide who he was because otherwise he could have no career, no future?

Should he tell Jaebum how scared he was that Jaebum would hate him once he found out the truth? How even now he finds it hard to believe Jaebum loves him simply because he spent so long telling himself it wasn't possible?

In the end he doesn't say anything at all, words sitting heavy in his mouth like lead, and watches as Jaebum grows increasingly tired of waiting.

"Do you even like me?" Jaebum finally breaks the silence to ask. "I feel like I'm jumping through all these hoops to prove that I'm serious and I don't even know how you feel."

Jinyoung wills himself to answer, to give Jaebum this one tiny sliver of honesty to repay all of that which Jaebum has so bravely offered this evening.

“I like you.” He replies quietly.

“Do you _love_ me?” Jaebum presses.

A pause. “Yes.”

“I don’t believe you.” Jaebum says, and Jinyoung’s heart shatters. Was this what Jaebum felt like when Jinyoung had turned him down? As if his heart has been cleaved from his chest?

“I’m not lying!” Jinyoung shakes his head desperately. “I wouldn’t lie, not about this.”

“I don’t think you’re lying, Jinyoung.” Jaebum says tiredly. “I just don’t think that it’s true.”

“So I think that I like you but really I don’t?”

Jaebum shrugs. "I’m not even going to pretend I know what’s going on in your head. All I know is you’ve never even given me a chance. First you tell me I’m straight and that I can’t love you. Then, just when I thought you’d come to terms with everything it turns out it’s just some ridiculous plot to make me jealous like I hadn’t already confessed. You chose to play with me and my feelings when you could have been _with me_ instead. What am I supposed to take from that?”

“I’m sorry.” Jinyoung feels his eyes prickle with tears, but he refuses to let them fall. He doesn't deserve to cry, not for himself. Not when he's hurt Jaebum so badly.

"I'm sorry doesn't fix things." Jaebum says pointedly. “I’m in love with you, and you don’t believe me. Or didn’t believe me. And you think you love me but I can’t trust that you really do. Sorry doesn't make any of that any better."

Jinyoung looks away, ashamed. He can’t refute what Jaebum’s saying – he didn’t believe Jaebum and he’s done nothing that has ever given Jaebum any indication that he’s in love with him, no matter what he claims to feel.

“So where do we go from here?” Jaebum asks the question they’ve both been thinking.

“I don’t know.” Jinyoung feels numb.

“I don’t know either.” Jaebum picks up his book and heads to the room he shares with Youngjae. He goes slow, as if waiting for Jinyoung to say something – anything – but nothing comes out. Not a whisper.

“Goodnight Jinyoung.” Jaebum says quietly, with an air of finality.

“Goodnight!” Jinyoung calls at Jaebum's retreating back. He wishes Jaebum would turn round, look at him, anything to show that he isn’t done with Jinyoung, but Jaebum closes the door without so much as a glance over his shoulder.

Jinyoung lets himself feel the tears he refuse to let flow earlier fall down his cheeks. He hasn’t said hardly anything the whole evening and yet still it feels like he’s said the wrong thing. He goes to bed feeling anxious and unsettled and upset, eyes puffy and head full from crying.

That night he dreams Jackson chases him in a white bunny suit, captures him, and gnaws at his legs until they resemble nothing but stumps while Mark, dressed as the mad hatter, sits by and laughs. He wakes up drenched in his own sweat and terrified, not even daring to think about what that dream might mean.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

He manages to make it to breakfast even though he's sure he looks like he's been scraped off the bottom of someone's shoe. He feels like crap.

“So?” Jackson says, bounding up to him. It reminds Jinyoung of the rabbit in his dream and he startles slightly.

“So what?” He replies, busying himself getting out bowls and preparing something resembling food and trying not to think about Jackson's teeth biting into his leg.

“Did you guys talk?”

Jinyoung rolls his eyes. He doesn't know why Jackson bothers asking when he clearly already knows everything from Jaebum.

“Yes.” Jinyoung says irritably. It’s far too early in the morning to be dealing with Jackson’s energy.

“And?” Jackson catches Jinyoung by the arm and forces him to turn towards him. Jinyoung scowls.

“And nothing. We know where we stand, now. There’s nothing more to be said.”

For once in his life Jackson appears to be speechless. He stares at Jinyoung with complete incredulity.

“You’re your own worst enemy you know that?” He says.

At that moment the kitchen is filled with Yugyeom and Bambam chattering away and whatever Jinyoung was going to say is lost in the clamour and manic rush to have breakfast and get ready to leave for the day. Just as well, because even Jinyoung doesn’t know what that would be.

Xxx

A week later nothing has really changed between him and Jaebum. They carry on much as before. They joke and play and even though it isn’t quite right – Mark and Jackson keep watching them with worried eyes – it’s okay. The only thing that’s different is now Jinyoung is truly aware of how much he’s fucked things up.

He’s is still thinking about what Jackson said in the kitchen and what Jaebum accused him of the night before that – denying himself the right to love Jaebum. The more Jinyoung thinks about it the more he sees it’s true. He’s never really given Jaebum a chance, not even in the recesses of his own mind. He loves him, worse, he’s _in_ love with him, but he’d always put Jaebum so firmly off limits that even to think of him _that way_ felt too much like picking the forbidden fruit. Instead everything he has done has been based on burying his feelings deeper and deeper, pushing them further and further down so that in the end he wouldn’t be hurt.

Except he is hurt, and Jaebum is too.

Honestly, Jinyoung drives himself mad. If he weren’t such a stubborn, scared little bitch he could be with Jaebum right now but he isn’t – he’s miserable and alone, just like Jackson said he was. _His own worst enemy._

He needs to change.

So, for the first time since he realised he was in love with Jaebum, Jinyoung allows himself to imagine what being kissed by Jaebum would be like.

They’ve kissed before, sort of. There was a piece of paper in the way but Jinyoung remembers the heat of lips and the callouses on the pads of Jaebum’s fingers. It felt good to be so close, to be surrounded in his warmth and scent and have the whole of his body pressed up against Jaebum’s.

He squirms a little in his bed. It feels awkward thinking of Jaebum like this even after giving himself permission. This is _Jaebum_ \- awkward, dorky, grandpa-like Jaebum who loves bad puns and making model ships and adores his cat more than anything else in the world. But then he thinks, this is also the Jaebum whose body is hard and taught from years of dancing. The Jaebum who makes body rolls look like sin, the sweat dripping off his neck and soaking into the collar of his shirts. The Jaebum whose gaze is hot enough to melt steel and fry Jinyoung’s nerves to all hell.

Jinyoung swallows thickly. He’s hard. He can feel his dick throbbing in his pants, insistent and impossible to ignore. He edges his hand down his torso to the waistband of his sweatpants. A flush of shame hits him. Is he really going to do this? Is he really going to jack off thinking about his bandmate?

But he has to. More than that, he wants to.

_This is probably the first time thinking about someone while wanking to someone has been a noble cause._ Jinyoung thinks wryly.

He tries to picture it again – Jaebum’s hands replacing his own as he drags him over his body: larger, warmer hands pushing down his pants and wrapping around his cock. He thinks of Jaebum nibbling and sucking at his neck in turn and how his eyes would shift from almost-black to a shade darker than night itself. He thinks of sharing breath with him, panting into Jaebum’s open mouth and stealing Jaebum’s air with kisses until their lips are red and sore.

It feels so sinfully good he has to bite into his pillow to muffle the groans that spill from his lips unbidden. _Even better than with some of my ex’s,_ he thinks deliriously. _Why the fuck have I been denying myself this?_

His orgasm takes him completely by surprise. It crashes over him like a tidal wave and leaves him dizzy. Belatedly he realises it was Jaebum’s name on his lips as he came. He blushes.

_He really, really hopes Yugyeom and Bambam didn’t hear that._

Xxx

The problem is even though thinking of Jaebum gave Jinyoung the greatest orgasm of his life, it has also left Jinyoung completely unable to look Jaebum in the eye. It’s ridiculous. Jinyoung has never been shy around Jaebum (a fact he refuses to attribute to his emotional seppuku) but all of a sudden he can’t stop blushing and stammering like an idiot. He hates it. It’s got so bad Jinyoung all but flees the room every time Jaebum enters.

Jaebum has noticed. Jinyoung isn’t surprised – he’s always been quick on the uptake so he’s bound to notice when Jinyoung so conspicuously makes himself scarce every time Jaebum’s around. Jinyoung also knows that it’s making Jaebum angry. They had settled back into a routine after their argument several weeks ago. They were friends and everything was, well not exactly fine but at least something approaching normal, and now Jinyoung is fucking everything up. Again.

But he can’t help it – every time he sees Jaebum he’s brought straight back to the hands he imagined on his body and the filth he forced his fantasy Jaebum to whisper into his ear and he panics. He feels like Jaebum is going to look at him and read his thoughts and then he’ll know what a creep Jinyoung is.

(Seriously, he’s been hard more in the last week than in all his teenage years combined it feels like and there’s only so many times he can think of Park Jinyoung senior in one day, alright.)

So, in short, avoiding Jaebum is his only option.

Typically, as with all plans that don’t take into account the fact of living with six other young men in a very confined space, Jinyoung plan comes undone.

He creeps into the kitchen late one night to get a glass of water, managing to skilfully slip by the sleeping maknaes. He is just congratulating himself on a ninja-ing well done when he spots Jaebum leaning against the sink, glass of water in hand and shirtless, with sweatpants riding low on his hips and hair ruffled from sleep. Jinyoung stiffens immediately. He wants to turn and run away but it’s too late – Jaebum has seen him.

Jinyoung pushes down his apprehension and heads over to the cupboard to get himself a glass, aware all the while of the heat of Jaebum’s stare on his back.

_Ignore it, Jinyoung._ He tells himself. _Just pretend everything is normal. Get yourself some water and leave. You can do this._

Except just as he’s reaching up the weight of that stare becomes a real, solid presence behind him.

_Jaebum._

“What are you doing?” He asks nervously. He sees Jaebum places his hands on the counter on either side of his hips.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” Jaebum replies. “Why have you been avoiding me, Jinyoungie?”

“I’m not avoiding you.” Jinyoung denies, even as he fights the urge to break free from Jaebum’s hold and make his escape. Every inch of Jaebum is pressed up against Jinyoung’s back – he can feel the planes of Jaebum’s chest and the firmness of his thighs tucked in behind Jinyoung’s – and it’s making something flutter in his stomach. He can hear his heartbeat in his ears, fast and erratic. His cheeks burn.

“Stop lying to me.” Jaebum growls against the skin of Jinyoung’s neck. A tremor of desire runs hot through Jinyoung like lightening. It heads straight to his crotch, pressed tight against the counter by Jaebum’s weight. His hips jerk.

_Shit._

Jinyoung wants to die of embarrassment. Jaebum must have felt it, close as they are. _Please, let it go._ He prays. _Just this once, Jaebum. Don’t notice, just let it go._

“Jinyoung?” Jaebum says. It’s soft and worried, all anger suddenly gone, and it makes Jinyoung’s chest ache. He wants to tell Jaebum he’s okay. That he’s not ill, or scared – he’s never been scared of Jaebum even in his wildest, most uncontrollable fits of rage – but before he can bring himself to speak gentle hands are turning him around and he’s staring into Jaebum’s eyes. They’re so dark, even up this close. So pretty.

“Jinyoung?” Jaebum repeats.

_Shitshitshit_.

“I’m fine.” He tries to surreptitiously pull his t-shirt down over his crotch to hide his growing hard on but Jaebum sees it. He knows what it means. He’s a guy too.

“Um.” Jaebum’s eyes flicker down to Jinyoung’s crotch again. The tips of his ears go pink. “Are you…?”

At this point Jinyoung is too embarrassed to even come up with a response. It’s not like he’s never been hard in front of any of his bandmates (how could they avoid it, living on top of each other as they do) but it’s never been like this – with the _cause_ of his little problem practically pressed up against him.

“Let me go.”

“No.” Jaebum pulls him in tighter, ignoring Jinyoung’s futile attempts to push him away. “If that’s because of me, I’m not letting you go.”

“It’s not because of you.” Jinyoung fires back. “I’m a man, anything and everything gives me a boner. You know, trees, the weather, glasses of water…”

Jaebum smiles. “Liar.”

Jinyoung stops struggling. The more he does so, the more his traitorous dick takes interest and there is literally _no_ space between them now. If Jaebum shifted just slightly, he’d feel the evidence for himself.

He tries to change the subject. “I thought you were still mad at me.” Maybe if Jaebum remembers that he’ll let Jinyoung go.

“I was.” Jaebum replies nonchalantly. “I’m not anymore – for now at least.”

“Was getting a boner all I needed to do to get you to forgive me?” Jinyoung jokes, semi-serious.

“Later.” Jaebum promises. “We’ll talk about forgiveness later.”

Then without warning Jaebum rolls his body forward, slotting his leg in between Jinyoung’s. Jinyoung gasps. It’s at this point, amidst the haze of pleasure of finally, _finally_ feeling pressure where he wanted it most, that Jinyoung can feel that Jaebum is getting hard too – his dick is hot and heavy against Jinyoung’s thigh, burning through the flimsy material of their sweat pants. It’s heady – the idea that Jaebum’s cock is hard for _Jinyoung_ and no one else. Powerful, and frightening all at once.

“God.” Jaebum lets out a breathy laugh, breaking Jinyoung from his thoughts. “I’ve thought about this so many times – what this would be like. Never thought it’d be in our kitchen though.”

He sounds about as overwhelmed as Jinyoung feels and somehow it sets Jinyoung at ease. The confident, sexually aware Jaebum who started this is hot, there’s no doubt about that, but this Jaebum – the one who sounds like he’s as out of his depth as Jinyoung is – _that’s_ the Jaebum Jinyoung met at the audition all those years ago. _That’s_ the Jaebum he first fell in love with.

Jinyoung understands. He knows what Jaebum is thinking because he’s thinking it himself. They love each other. They are _in_ love with each other and yet somehow the reality of it – actually being physically at the precipice that separates friends from lovers – feels almost overwhelming.

Except, unlike all the times before when his feelings have risen up from his breast to suffocate him, this time Jinyoung refuses to run away. He is finally ready.

“You want to know how I imagined it?” Jinyoung whispers. It doesn’t sound sexy, it comes out quiet and scared. He almost falters, stops, but then he feels Jaebum’s dick jump against his thigh and it gives him the courage he needs to continue. “We’re in a bed – a hotel bed – and we’ve just taken a shower. I’m lying underneath you and you’re in between my legs.”

“Yeah?” He hears Jaebum murmur against his neck.

“You keep making hickeys even though you know the coordi-noonas are going to kill me-”

“Like this?” Jaebum sucks gently on Jinyoung’s collarbones where they peek out from under his ragged old t-shirt and Jinyoung’s breath catches.

“Yeah…” He moans. He couldn’t have imagined how good this would feel.

“What else?”

Jaebum, ever impatient Jaebum.

“You slip your hands up my shirt.”

Jaebum’s fingers play with the hem of Jinyoung’s shirt as if scared to follow Jinyoung’s directions exactly and where they brush Jinyoung’s skin it feels as if he’s being touched by fire. Shyly they slip under and trace circles on Jinyoung’s hips.

No – it isn’t Jaebum’s finger’s moving at all but Jinyoung himself – hips winding in lazy circles against Jaebum’s thigh. He hadn’t even realised he was doing it but it feels too good to stop.

“Oh god.” He breathes as Jaebum sucks another bruise on his neck.

“What happens next?” Jaebum pants, breath damp against Jinyoung’s skin.

“Then-” He gasps. “You kiss me.”

Jaebum pulls back. He says nothing, just studies Jinyoung’s face intensely with eyes as black as pitch. Jinyoung squirms. Did he go too far? Was asking for a kiss too much too soon? His heart sinks. _Maybe Jaebum hadn’t forgiven him after all._

Slowly, painfully slowly, Jaebum leans forward and presses pink, already shiny lips to Jinyoung’s. It’s chaste. Just lips against lips. Then Jaebum tentatively starts to move his lips against Jinyoung’s and it’s _perfect_.

Oh, the counter is digging in to Jinyoung’s back and Jaebum’s grip on his hips is just this side of too tight but the kiss itself – Jinyoung can’t ask for anything more. His heart is racing and feels like butterflies are fighting inside his chest and all his senses are screaming at him _JaebumJaebumJaebum_.

“I love you.” Jinyoung says without thinking as he pulls back.

Jaebum stops moving. The look on his face is indecipherable – somewhere lodged between hope and fear perhaps – and Jinyoung is struck once again by just how much he’s fucked this thing between them up.

“I love you.” Jinyoung repeats more forcefully. “Do you believe me?”

Jaebum regards him seriously for a second. Then he kisses Jinyoung again. His tongue flicks at Jinyoung’s lips and immediately Jinyoung parts them to let him in. The kiss is hot and sloppy, all tongue and teeth and desperation. They’ve both been waiting so long and now that it’s happening it’s like they’re trying to fit in six years’ worth of kisses into this one moment.

“I love you.” Jinyoung says again in between kisses. “I love you.”

_Kiss_.

“I love you.”

_Kiss_.

Jaebum laughs and presses his lips even more firmly, not even letting Jinyoung come up for breath to stop him talking.

“You’re ridiculous.” He says.

“ _Your_ ridiculous.” Jinyoung corrects.

Jaebum’s eyes darken then. Jinyoung had always thought they couldn’t get any darker but he is proved wrong. Jaebum’s eyes are _black_. Jinyoung shivers.

“ _Mine?_ ”

“Yours.”

Jaebum groans and presses himself even further into Jinyoung’s body as if trying to make them become one even with their clothes in the way. It feels… Jinyoung has no words to describe how it feels. Everything is too much.

His skin feels so sensitive it feels like all his verve endings are on fire. All he can smell is sweat and sex and Jaebum. He can hear Jaebum’s panting as loud as thunder and his own babbling like a waterfall crashing down onto bare rock. Jinyoung doesn’t know what he’s saying – a mixture of words, praises maybe he doesn’t know, _Oh god, Jaebum, yes, so **good**_ , all murmured against Jaebum’s lips as they kiss over and over again – because all he can concentrate on is how amazingly good everything feels. Pleasure coils hot and liquid in the pit of his stomach.

“Fuck.” He groans, grinding hard into Jaebum’s thigh.

He’s so, so close. His hips are moving without rhythm now – frantic, desperate thrusts – and then Jaebum’s fingers dig into his hips and the spike of pain is enough to push Jinyoung over the edge. He comes with a muffled whimper, head thrown back as he spills into his pants. He feels Jaebum’s dick twitch against his thigh and then Jaebum’s coming too, biting down hard on Jinyoung’s neck as he does so.

They stand there for a while in silence, both breathing heavily. Jaebum’s head is buried in the crook of Jinyoung’s neck still. The bite he left throbs and Jinyoung knows he’s going to have a hell of a time hiding the mark from the ever-sharp eyes of his bandmates and the coodi-noonas but he can’t bring himself to care right now. He’s too happy for consequences to matter.

“C’mon.” Jaebum says finally, lifting his head from Jinyoung’s shoulder. He grabs Jinyoung’s hand and starts dragging him towards the bathroom. “I feel gross. Let’s get cleaned up.”

As soon as Jaebum says it Jinyoung becomes uncomfortably aware of the sticky cum now drying in his boxers and winces. He lets himself be dragged, still overwhelmed by what has just happened to put up a real fight. He has just come in his pants, in their kitchen, because of one Im Jaebum. It all feels surreal.

“We can share if you want. Save water, you know.”

Jaebum is not looking at him as he says this. He’s staring stubbornly ahead as they make their way to the bathroom but his ears turn pink. It’s so cute Jinyoung can’t help but smile.

“Yeah,” he says. “I want to.”

It feels good saying it. It feels good being with Jaebum, consequences be damned. As he sees Jaebum smile back, his gummy, goofy, eye-less smile, Jinyoung knows that whatever happens after this moment he will never regret giving _them_ a chance.

There’s still a way to go. Jinyoung is still scared and Jaebum may not have fully forgiven him yet, but this is a good start.

That night he curls up in his bed with Jaebum’s arms around him and falls asleep happier than he’s been in a long, long time.

Xxx

Things aren’t okay overnight. Whether Jaebum says it or not, now that Jinyoung has opened his eyes he can see the full extent of the damage he wrought and how much Jaebum has been hurting and that doesn’t go away with a few kisses.

When Jaebum finally wakes up the next morning the first thing Jinyoung says to him is,

“I fucked up so bad, Jaebum, I’m so, so sorry. I can’t promise it won’t happen again but I promise that next time when I’m scared I’ll tell you and we’ll work through it together.”

He’d drafted it while Jaebum slept on, face calm and unworried in sleep because he felt he needed to do something to make amends.

Jaebum, however, just shifts and smiles at him. “I would have taken a ‘I love you Jaebum, be my boyfriend’, but this will do too.”

And Jinyoung knows that while he isn’t forgiven yet, he’s on his way.

Of course, them talking about everything means they fight more. Sometimes Jaebum just _doesn’t get it_ because he just doesn’t think the way Jinyoung does. Jinyoung is constantly thinking about consequences and Jaebum doesn’t understand why Jinyoung has to make everything more complicated than it really is.

“Jinyoung, nothing worth it is ever easy!” He shouts during one of their arguments. “You think you telling me I couldn’t love you was _easy_? You think waiting for you to get your head out of your arse was _easy?_ No it wasn’t, but I didn’t care! I dealt with all that crap because I knew that one day it would work out and it would be worth it. You were worth it then and you’re worth it now and I’m not going anywhere so stop making this more difficult than it needs to be!”

The fallout from that particular argument had lasted three days.

Jinyoung sometimes wondered if the other members preferred it before he and Jaebum got together, before they fought this way. He raised it to Mark once only for him to burst into helpless giggles.

“You think _this_ is more stressful for me?” He had laughed. “Trust me, by the end I was almost ready to bang your heads together if you didn’t get your shit sorted out.” Then he had grown serious. “In all honesty Jinyoung, you were about to implode. You kept telling yourself you were fine but anyone who knew you knew you were coming apart at the seams. You were miserable.” He gives Jinyoung a squeeze. “I never want to see you like that again.”

Looking back Jinyoung knows Mark is right, just as Jackson was right (though it pains him to admit it). He was miserable. He’s happier with Jaebum, even with the occasional fight, than he ever was without.

It’s difficult to get used to life as Jaebum’s boyfriend and yet at the same time it’s not. Lots of things remain unchanged – they still live together, they still work together, they are still friends. They still have separate bedrooms, even if Jaebum spends more nights in Jinyoung’s bed than he does in his own, and yet now everything is _more_ than it ever was. When they are waiting to go onstage and Jinyoung is nervous, there’s Jaebum’s hand in his, sweaty and yet still reassuring. When they sit on the sofa there’s no longer distance between them but Jinyoung sits cuddled up on Jaebum’s lap like a smug cat.

Jinyoung loves it.

Jinyoung loves _Jaebum_.

He doesn’t hesitate to tell Jaebum that either. Every day, at least once. Most of the time Jaebum rolls his eyes and placates him with a kiss but Jinyoung knows he likes it because he never tells Jinyoung to stop, even when their delightful friends made a point of gagging exaggeratedly.

“You’re just jealous.” Jinyoung tells them as he gazes adoringly into Jaebum’s eyes.

“Yeah, that’s what it is.” Yugyeom mutters.

“I think I’m going to throw up for real.” Bambam groans.

Jinyoung ignores them. He has Jaebum, and he’s happy. Whatever the future may bring, at least he can say that.

xxx

_Several years later_

The lights of the club flash around him, dizzyingly bright. He’s hot, he can feel the sweat soaking through his shirt, but he doesn’t care. He grinds back into the more than willing body behind him and smirks. The guy isn’t the best dancer – a little uncoordinated for Jinyoung’s taste – but he suits his purpose.

All he has to do now is wait.

“I’ll ask you to keep your hands off _my_ boyfriend.” He hears someone say beside him, low and full of unspoken threats. _Hands off or else_.

It's Jaebum, looming over the poor man behind him with a look that promises death. His eyes are blazing with jealousy. Jinyoung’s skin prickles with heat. This is what he had been waiting for and he’s probably going to go to hell for this, but _fuck_ Jaebum looks so hot when he’s pissed off.

The guy behind him stumbles back, mumbling apologies and excuses - _I didn’t know he was taken man! I would never of – If I’d known…_ \- and Jaebum smirks, pleased. He doesn’t take the stranger’s place – no, Jaebum doesn’t need to fill that guy’s shoes because he already knows he’s better – he simply slides a thigh in between Jinyoung’s. His hands grip Jinyoung’s waist, fingers digging into Jinyoung’s skin. Jinyoung bites his lip to keep the groan that bubbles up from escaping.

"You did that on purpose." Jaebum accuses.

"Maybe." Jinyoung replies coyly.

"You like it when I get possessive, huh?"

"Maybe." He bats his eyelashes and watches with satisfaction as Jaebum’s pupils dilate.

“You’re playing a dangerous game, Park Jinyoung. Haven’t you ever heard that it’s better to let sleeping dragons lie?” Jaebum growls in his ear.

“I only let them lie if they’re lying with me.” Jinyoung replies, wickedly grinding his hips forward into Jaebum’s. A rush of satisfaction runs through him as he feels Jaebum’s grip on his hips tighten and the groan that Jaebum presses into the skin of his neck.

Suddenly he’s being dragged out of the club by his wrist. That moment so many years ago flashes through Jinyoung’s mind. It’s the same but different – no longer wrapped in anger and jealousy but warmth and playfulness.

“We’re leaving.” Jaebum says.

“Why? I was having fun.” Jinyoung pouts.

Jaebum leans in close to his ear. They’re outside now and the warm breath against Jinyoung’s skin makes him shiver more than the cold night air.

“Trust me, you’ll have fun at home too.”

Well. Jinyoung can’t argue with that. All at once he’s overcome by a wave for love for his jealous, possessive boyfriend who puts up with Jinyoung’s moods and whims and need to wind him up constantly. He leans up and presses a kiss to Jaebum’s lips.

“I love you, you know that.”

Jaebum smiles, slightly bemused by Jinyoung’s sudden display of affection. “I know.”

“Well, don’t you have something to say back?” Jinyoung huffs.

Jaebum rolls his eyes. “I love you too.”

“And you’re mine right?”

Jaebum’s eyes glint. “Just as much as you are mine.”

Jinyoung presses himself up against Jaebum like an oversized cat. He feels Jaebum’s arms close around him tight and sighs contentedly. It may have been a long time since he finally accepted Jaebum’s love (and his own for his boyfriend) but every embrace feels just like the first and he honestly doesn’t know how he denied himself this for so long.

“Mine.” Says Jaebum. Jinyoung’s precious, possessive, perfect Jaebum.

“Yours.” He agrees. _Forever and always._  


 

 


End file.
